Catching My Breath

Today was sort of a catch up day for me.  I've been going non-stop for the last few weeks, so I was looking forward to today.  However, I found myself bored out of my mind, but I got a lot of reading done.  While reading I came across familiar scripture that sort of hit me like never before.  I've heard dozens of sermons based on it, but I never really understood it.  I always felt like the scripture and preacher were saying that we're supposed to be miserable.  But today it looked a little different.  Here's the scripture from Matt. 16:24-25

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.  For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.  What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?" (NIV)

here it is again, but paraphrased

"Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead.  You're not in the driver's seat. I am. Don't run from suffering embrace it.  Follow me and I'll show you how.  Self-help is no help at all.  Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self.  What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself?  What could you ever trade your soul for?" (The Message)

I was reading these passages because I was trying to understand how to love God and others.  I wondered where loving myself fit in?  I thought could you really love someone else if you don't love yourself?  I'm not talking about loving myself as in being me-centered or thinking I should be a beauty queen, but thinking about loving and being content w/ who God has made me. Well the phrase, "die to self" kept popping up in my head.  So, I tried to find it in scripture and what I came across the scripture above.  I sort of stopped looking after that, but it does seem like something Paul would have said.

Anyways Jesus did clearly say, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself..."  This is clearly Satan twisted, but I always read that and related denying myself to disliking myself or just being miserable.  Being here hasn't been the easiest time of my life.  I sort of started to justify my discontentment here to taking up my cross.  I thought missing my family, not seeing Mary K. during her pregnancy, no Sonic, etc. is just a part of the cost so its ok to be miserable. But today I realized, that I'm still clinging to my life; I'm trying to save it.  I don't want my friends and family to slip away.  Then I sort of started to laugh at myself.  Really Allison, your family is going to forget you???  Your friends, who you've known your whole life, will not want to remain friends when you return???  These are the lies I have been letting the devil feed me. God is so much bigger.  I like the Message's version that says, "Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self."  

Yeah, part of the cost for me was leaving those I love, but there's a reason for the cost.  He has bigger purposes...His Glory!!!  He's more than worthy of it.

Back to the being miserable thing.  My conclusion is that just because I must deny myself doesn't mean I should to be miserable.  In fact, I should live by His spirit, and the byproduct of life by the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. (Gal. 5: 22-23) Funny how being miserable wasn't included.

Let me throw out something else...I'm not miserable, so don't start worrying about my emotional status.  Just today a few things were revealed to me, so I wanted to share them.  I figured you guys haven't had a preachy post in awhile so you got one.